nightmares are real
the rest is a dream
a light once has been
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Category Archives: life
~~ cracked ~~
uncentered
Cloudman why are you waving at me?
Is there something I don’t see?
I am nothing
I am clueless
I am lost
No cheque in the post
Fruitless attempts to summit my life, oh yes
Contempt with insanity’s grin
Decades have rolled on
Overgrown now the paths I once ventured
Blinded and stuck on some, — far too long
Sometimes it really feels that I’m done
Now, time is called the ‘aftermath’
That little left should be made to last
Create the antecedent of tomorrow
Leave out today’s horror,
relegate that to the past
Nothing: is all that matters
Clueless: the more the better
Lost: is the prize not the cost
died it
He believed, then doubted, then died it Creativity was his door to become more Poetry and prose were the tears that he cried, and he toiled with the question: What was it all for? Doubt was the dust infiltrating even his purest intention Now he lies spent like rain in the grass, tears on a tissue, lipstick on a glass Not even the universe affords him attention He always believed too much, and proof was never important as such If he liked it, he deemed it to be true, even if experts were cleverer and knew His world, perhaps, was slightly askew Belief was like a train: Up front the idea, creditability and fame …so far so good Followed by wagons of responsibilities, too many to name …that was the drudge Suddenly a yardstick emerged with which he was judged (his ideas) Yes, he believed a lot But, certainly didn’t want to be put on the spot for that which he called ‘the smoke from his pot’ It wasn’t religion or philosophy or such, they were ideas, life’s attempts at art with a smudge Believing was more like following a trail Not weighing each thought or step on a scale T'was an indication of an approximate direction, and was prone to frequent correction Believing and doubting were forever composing, One minute blissfully flying over harmonies crest, euphorically losing control in the zest and then, crashing into the trough of Wagner’s gloomiest best He was cog and engine in a perpetually opposing quest Shattered belief, triumphant doubt, sometimes one or the other acted out A farmer of conflict, a dreamer of hope, ever the next wave of life should puzzle it out Liberally sown by doubt the seeds of conflict abound That’s why believing in dreams is so very allowed But, dreams are also the food which conflict gobbles to sprout and once it has grown it smothers the dreams so they lose the belief in their own If life was nurtured by believing in dreams, no matter how irrational they seemed and doubt destroys them with such might undoubdetly, he thought, he had just died
~~ confounded ~~
truth, honesty, fear
I fear the brutality of truth, its uncompromising honesty and undeniable existence Selected for slaughter I am summonsed by its prophecy Then it gashes into me with razor like fangs Sometimes I think I have become its parody Laid on a butcher block, my private thoughts are hacked by the invincibility of truth’s shock The fresh blood of my ignorant existence squirting denial onto the mirror that reflects the lie I lived since my birth Impaled by the truth The living flesh of my deceived soul stabbed with an edged knife splits open into wound like a cleft Exposed now, the raw, oozing me reads: “there, the truth, you see.” Truth is like fresh blood: hot and sticky in its honesty, and unforgettably red. I fear it, yet I want to know it like I know about death An intimate hatred to past events burns in my breath Inescapably true and insensitive that truth may be, tortured, agonizing and upset, I still wish to see Truth knows not diplomacy nor does it care Its words are whiplashes castigating any pretense Sentenced to truth, even death would be less intense Even armed with a dictionary of swords no mortal will ever ably defend Truth doesn’t blurb or make a scene it confronts me naked, ugly, sore and mean It's the sadistic crusader silently wielding its honesty boiling my being to scream Behind every frontage the truth can be seen, hidden only from the mind in delusional dream I fear the honesty of truth Bitter, vile, — sweet and beautiful The truth cuts me in two: One piece, the truth, is my book The other, the lie, is the way that I look
96-hour days
I mean you read a lot. A hell of a lot.
One copy of yourself should be dedicated to reading 24-hours a day and provide feedback to yourself. It should then populate that infinite dormant memory in your head, indexing everything and getting on with it, ploughing through all that is readable and available, at thought-speed, — forget about sluggish light-speed, we have very (much) surpassed that.
You see a lot too. Maybe even more than you read. But, don’t underestimate the written word. With reading also comes seeing.
There is so much out there that you actually don’t have to think ever again. It’s all been said and it’s all been thought. And what remains, surely, is in a pipeline somewhere to be revealed shortly (on Netflix or some blog or in a pub).
And, the more I read and see, truly I feel, the dumber I get. Why? Because in some way by having all this input I don’t have any output anymore. I do, but it’s others’ thoughts, words and ideas.
I clearly know that I have to extend my 24-hour day. I have to create parallel days and still manage everything even if it is four-fold now. But, I don’t want to be a manager. No, shit no! I want to be involved in every little bit of those multiple 24-hour days, and I also want to get on with other stuff that interests me. I want to spend hours flying, soaring in the air, 3k feet above the ground, or landing in my neighbor farmers backyard on a penny for a cup of Wienermischung Arabica coffee. I want to immerse myself in music and play it and compose. I want to travel to every remote and beautiful corner of this magnificent continent called Africa in my Land Cruiser. I have a love affair with Africa and another one with another one. I have to create, split, multiply and slice the time I have available.
I literally have to drag myself away from the latest doing, reading and seeing, — which I am blatantly honest about, is all extremely enjoyable, — back into my chambers, close the door behind me and open the one in front of me. The one that opens into my world from my mind. You see, here goes another 24-hour day.
My function in life, — having come to this astounding realization of the ninety-six hour day requirement, — is not to write more initially. We have agreed that there is too much already for the twenty-four hour limited human being.
We have to find ways to condense time, expand time, multiply time, fornicate time, forget time, — ignore it, any which way, — and get more done in the moment of life we have so we can absorb, digest, create more and become infinitely more of ourself.
What other point could there conceivably be to continue with life once such a revelation has shone upon us, but to invent new methods and aspire to hitherto unknown heights of accomplishing the impossible?
Do you really want to slip back into your twenty-four hour drudge-day which practically gives you perhaps two hours to do your stuff, instead of figuring out some multi-parallel reality?
Fine, go for it. You won’t find me in that asylum.
Yes, there are schools of thought that we should do one thing and one thing only at a time in order to do them properly. (utter rubbish loser talk) Admittely, I have tried and I have made a mess of it. My first novel, a fictional memoir called ‘beyond Cloudia,’ touches on the subject. And, there are always those ‘I told you so’ encouraging cheer leaders. Instead of getting multiple things done, nothing was finished, except the bottle of red wine or the J, in the end. That however is no sentence not to try again, more evolved, and with better or more Jwine. I don’t smoke so there is no J in my wine.
The current steam locomotive of progress has become terribly, frustratingly slow and this has watered the seed for further exploration into the matter of parallel 24-hour days, or, at least one ninty-six hour day to start with.
Very few things, if any, have ever worked the first time around. How many rockets have gone up in smoke? Right. We have to start somewhere.
I think we have to be blind movers sometimes, believing that our movement gets us there, although we can’t see it, or explain the logic behind our (absurd) behavior .
