days and I

A day is a big canvas that is painted by the universe before I wake up.
Viewed from a distance, days drift past like poetry floating on a cloud drizzling me with droplets of paradise.
Lovely stuff.
Have another sip of Shiraz.

On closer look though…

My real day is more like waking up in a movie that plays at speed multiplied by two, to a reality I barely comprehend and a script that arrives late.

My deliberate intent to have a ‘smooth’ day does not re-paint that canvas or slow the day down, all it does is fiddle with my attitude.
I have concluded that there is a sovereign entity called ‘a day’ and then there is ‘I’ who is part of everything else that paints this canvas. I am then mercilessly merged with that day. It helps if I try and be content with that because the day will happen upon me regardless and everyone else keeps on painting.

How do I approach a day when I wake up after a night of restlessly purging nightmares, or when I open my eyes thirty-thousand feet high squashed in coach-class, or stare at the ceiling in a stuffy flat in the concrete jungle, or without any possessions on a park bench?
What do I do when this is another day where I feel like Mr Nothing and I am clueless and I am lost?
What do I do now that I know, that I don’t know how this day is gonna shape up?

Jumping up all groggy, croaking and moaning is one way to say, “Hey, I’m still around and ready to face you head-on, just give me a moment.”
Meditating just after waking, – before coffee, workout and all, undoubtedly has a soothing effect on the irascible morning mood.
Bonding with nature by walking barefoot on dew-drenched grass at dawn, while energising and re-vitalizing, changes nothing of the day either.

Some days go easy and smooth and I accomplish great things at super speed and on other days, every time I look at the clock, its a few hours later and nothing has happened.
I still haven’t been able to figure that one out because it’s not for my lack of wanting it to happen.

Good days for instance, when everything works, should be stored as templates so that other days can base themselves automatically on such acquired intelligence. Where I come from that’s called learning. But days won’t have any of that. I mean we’ve been waking up ever since we’ve existed, – as long as humanity has been around. That should have ironed out the very last glitch in waking up and sorting our days. But it clearly hasn’t.
Why not?
Has evolution overlooked something?

I want to nail each day perfectly. I am also convinced that even the most difficult questions, this being one, have a simple answer. If it doesn’t, then I’m either looking at it wrong or it’s man made. Wearing academic lenses presses my nose flat against the fish bowl bluring any clarity and trusting in a divine plan is no ticket for finding an answer either.

So how do I get a perfect day?
Well it seems that it depends entirely on how well I can navigate the unpredictability of the billions of ripples that other elements cause in my day.
It’s like flying at warp-speed through galaxies of stars avoiding collision at all cost. One wrong move and you have an argument, a crash, a dis-ease…

A day is an unemotional and impartial constant of chaos I am always subjected to.
A day has so much paint on it’s canvas that if it were audible it would just be deafening noise.
A day actually isn’t alive. I am the only one alive and I do the growing (evoluting) or stagnating.
Only I have the ability of using a tool that has become super-sophisticated with time.
I can think!
Therefore, I can choose what of the day I like and where I must duck and dive and (re)act.
I can choose to operate from a basis of ethics. I can be mindful and gentle or I can behave irrational, believe nonsense, create disasters, abdicate responsibility and be fanatical.

Here’s what differentiates between just another day and ‘my day:’
My thoughts, and, my being aware.
To be aware I have to be present with my senses in the now. All five, six, nine, 21 or 57 of them.

Those senses require a big processor with a large memory and firmware with actions called instincts hardwired which speed up my lethargic decision making process.
It makes a significant difference if I keep that processor in tip-top shape.

I feed it only the finest, purest ingredients and pamper it with care, – most of the time.

For better days!

Let go!

The concept of space, time and matter is an illusion!

I’m dead as far as most physicists are concerned.

Aren’t those the building blocks of a universe?
Isn’t that the foundation of reality?

These learned folk won’t endorse this ludicrous idea of mine. Even less would they want to hear what I have to say.
But hey…

I can’t provide empirical proof and yet paradoxically my experience and observation is the whole proof.
Science lacks measurability in this area and therefore my statement is probably considered preposterous.
However, the experience that lead me to make this statement above is repeatable at will.
And, it doesn’t require the particle accelerator in Cern, a string of academic accolades or MDM or God.

Here is a synopsis of what I have observed:
I clasp things. I hold on to stuff. I impose my will. I force my way. I control. I want, want, want.
I fret, fear and become disturbed. Dis-ease sets in. I miss the point of my existence.
I buzz around a fictitious lamp till I expire.
Anxiety. Depression. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Darkness. Turmoil.
Nothingness. Cluelessness. Lostness.

During moments of such crude existential confrontation and the resulting confusion, what I need is often very close by.
Maybe even on my bedside table.

I picked up the book ‘Out of my mind,’ by Richard Bach, and just like the first time when I read it I could not put it down.

My meditation the next morning focused on only one thing:

‘Letting go.’

First I let go of the idea that I have to define an outcome. Any outcome. The outcome of my life mostly, when I really boil it down to the bare essential.
I decided to let go of ANY desired outcome in my meditation. Then, secondly, having pushed all expectations aside I observed unclouded what revealed itself.
As I let go of stuff: financial woes, creative block, hangups, karmic debt, material belongings, the devil…, – space, time and matter disappeared.
Suddenly I existed. I came to be. I was ‘without’ and that gave opportunity for me to experience unhindered what could be.

There was no physicality about me. Sure my body still existed, but the ‘beingness’ I experienced was not in the body. I was however not floating in space either.
Undoubtedly, I concluded later, there exists an unmeasurable dimension.
I integrated into a ‘substance’ of invisibility somewhere, where I then ‘became’ when I finally let go. And yet despite this state I was still me. A consciousness existed, like a nucleus without the earthly paraphernalia bogging me down. Not even my name came along so I am not sure now how I was identifiable to myself. But I very clearly was without social security number, passport, avatar, blog etc. etc.
Maybe more than ever I actually was I. Or was I? The sense of individuality that I had in human form was not there. There was no ego but there was a presence. Even though I haven’t any feedback from anyone else experiencing this, I felt a definition of ‘aware beingness.’ On reflecting afterwards I wondered if we all become similar in this state and that this is what ‘divine consciousness’ is about?

I have no idea yet how one makes contact, finds me or joins me when I’m ‘there?’ I don’t even know if such an interaction would still be desirable or necessary?
Perhaps that nonphysical consciousness is just another step towards other existii of myself and other realities in other dimensions?

It was quite apparent that I was still associated/connected with my body to this earthly existence of a reality, because the tune ‘By the Seaside,’ gently brought me back from yonder land.

I can’t even say with any certainty that ‘letting go’ is a sure fire solution of realigning myself in this existence.
I do know that an expansion occurs from this perceived, stuck reality into fantality and, upon returning, there remains the irrefutable knowledge of another beingness and a universe that functions way different to what we expect and have accepted.

I think the point here is not to overthink, rather steady the monkey mind and experience.

Let go and wonder for yourself.