I don’t know what and when
It is all hidden in my pen
Memories of forgotten days
are mixed with fears
of future’s ways
And even if the sun shines bright
I might not realize that it’s light
The darkness just like fire spreads
The night is glowing cold, the black I dread
This is the story of my plight
A mind so bent a crumbled string looks straight
Nothing, clueless, lost, I wait
Sometimes my dreams dream that I elevate
another force inside then subjugates
I’m told my worries are man made
The coffee cold, unshaven, and the purse deplete
A worn old shirt that screams of ironing that it needs
A figure sculpted by the thoughts the mind conjures
and by all events that life endures
Continuously I seek and seek
In this reality the hundred meters that I see
must stretch out of necessity
beyond that mark towards my ecstasy
unless I cannot choose my destiny
But, how then could I be me
Why am I stuck as if I’m planted like a tree
Forever in one place, I cannot flee
When I was born what words were put into my crib
“Go sail the seas but finally we sink your ship”
In the clouds I want to be eternally
A told me that I should be B
C told me that I should be D
Eventually then when I was E
They screamed and said I must be G
I turned around and went to P
Flashed them a sign reversed the T
Now I’m the Cuban Susans Whoman He
Nothing, clueless, lost without a key
I am sinking in some sea
To the water I will eventually return
Humans decided that I needed to burn
So hot even my soul in smoke evaporates
Escaping from these dire straits
I will not be put behind some other gates
Spill me, let me take another turn
If we were meant to be stuck with one horizon the universe surely would have put a wall around us?
A wall billions of impenetrable lightyears thick.
But the horizon is not a wall.
It is only a perceived boundary of a limiting circle. As we move, it moves too. If we stay put it remains the same.
Everything we have achieved was once on the horizon.
There are countless horizons behind us and infinite horizons ahead of us.
My present state defines the limit of my horizon.
At any time I can hike to a new horizon, literally and figuratively. I personally can’t wait to see what will reveal itself when I arrive there.
What can I do to change my horizon?
I can dream across horizons, jump the limiting circle and think non-imprisoning thoughts.
I can imagine what isn’t, to be.
I can believe that my life can be different.
I can visualize often what I want to see.
Then I can move away from where I am to where I want to be.
On the way other horizons reveal themselves. Beautiful ones and others. That is the incredible journey of life. This is the safari of life. Always in motion, unless we halt it. I can pitch camp anywhere for a while and enjoy where I am or I can run on and on.
I have decided to horizon on. Horizoning has become my new occupation. I have become a horizoner.
Expand your horizon, I was told when I was young and in difficult circumstances.
As I got older the meaning of those words took on an ever deeper sense. They whispered that if I wanted to change my horizon I had to accept change. Most importantly the returning echo of my expanding horizon never failed to nudge me on with rewards. It is such a very personal endeavor. Expanding my horizon is my own thing. Only I can do it.
There is the horizon we see when we cast our eyes and we have come to accept every day to the point where we forget it exists. This external horizon tempted and inspired me all my life. I longed to see what was behind the next mountain or the next curve on the track in the wilderness. A horizon was something that was out there to be explored and conquered.
In the same way, the horizon inside my inner being can be expanded too. I realised mine hadn’t moved in ages. My thoughts were set, my ways were stuck. Suddenly I knew that I had to expand my horizon in every conceivable way.
Specifically new stuff that is part of my plan for my life, – not random, default existential stuff.
I do know for one that it’s good to have a plan. A plan replaces any default, ‘let me make it through another day’. A plan is a vision of ‘something’ from nothing. I plan new stuff not old stuff.
But I question: why does nothing new happen to me? I mean it’s not for lack of having a plan. It’s not for a lack of ideas or wanting.
Seeing there is nothing happening there must be something else.I am puzzled.
This ‘nothing happening’ manifests as a stuck-ness. It feels like the flow of my life is obstructed. There is a lid on my pot.
In search for answers I dig around and sift through philosophies and belief systems and flavours of the month. I listen to gurus, sages, Elon Musk and Steve Jobs. I read Robin Sharma and Wayne Dyer. I change my diet, drink water, sleep enough, get up at dawn, meditate and exercise and stretch. I Feng Shui the house, love my plants, walk barefoot on the dew in the morning and grow my hair, – I change everything for a new start, a new life and for new stuff to happen to me.
But it doesn’t. Nothing happens.
Yeah, certainly, I feel so much better and healthy. I have tons more energy. I am stronger than before.
And then one morning during meditation I found the answer.
I am lost in the old.
Because I am lost I am also clueless of how to change my status quo.
There is so much old that there is no ‘space’ for the new. I have amassed tons of old stuff in my head. I need to do some mind-clearing. House-clearing is of course also not a bad idea while I am at it. It’s like my hangar is full but I want a new aeroplane. My pantry is chockablock but I want a new dish. I can’t even see and I don’t even know what I have anymore but I know that my life has become unbearably heavy. I am chained down by old rules, concepts, beliefs, hangups, mindsets, practices. I can’t fit another thing no matter how much I want it, into my life.
Forthwith, in this realisation, I am asking of myself to make space for the new that I want, by ridding me of the old that has no more purpose going fupwards (forward and upwards).
Stuck in the mud with my 4X4. Stuck on the runway with my aeroplane. Stuck with these friends. Stuck in my life. Everything is stuck, stuck, stuck.
I am stuck in my circumstances.
The circumstances that I can be stuck in are endless. Stuck taking drugs. Stuck drinking. Stuck in this town. Stuck in this job. Stuck in a relationship.
I could be stuck for the rest of my life. Without a vision, no more dream, – nothing. Hopelessly stuck.
There are many pictures of stuck-ness. We have all seen them. We have all wondered and we had no answer either.
And, you can’t really help unless that spark to want to get unstuck exists within. Unless the will to change and make a different choice is there.
As always I can only talk for myself and what I have observed and experienced.
I have been horribly, super-glue like stuck. Not just for a moment or a while, no, for years of my life. You feel like you are stuck in a rubber cell because no matter how much you fight and rant and rave, absolutely nothing, nada, zilch happens. You stay stuck and you think the devil is having fun watching you and you can’t beat the devil and get unstuck. It’s a terrible experience. Being stuck means the energy flow of my life is severely restricted. When I am stuck I seem to make it even worse by denying, resisting and ignoring what I really should be doing.
Why am I stuck?
I am stuck because I am contrary to the flow. I am like a log wedged across the flow of the river.
If water flows and air flows then it is likely that our life also flows, – or should flow.
If it doesn’t then I am out of alignment with the flow of my life.
Yes of course I can blame everything and anything from my childhood to my boss and the government and God for my stuck-ness, but that doesn’t unstick me. I have to do something.
Because as human beings we are quite resourceful at adjusting to circumstances, we sometimes don’t even see this misalignment that obstructs our life’s flow. It might take quite a while until we start thinking, “Heck this is not going the way it was intended to.” Perhaps we have even accepted the contorted flow of our life. We might have even ended up on a trickle of what used to be our stream and we still find some reason why it should be like this and not like the river we have left.
After enough self-pity, finally, sometime, I acknowledge that I am stuck. I suddenly know it and I want to change it.
Now I see myself unstuck. I feel unstuck and I consciously Align. I re-align.My vision is filledwith the flow of my life in the stream of my choice to the goal of my dream.
Alignment is non resistance. In alignment things roll and flow. In alignment I can achieve. In alignment I can be and I am.